Memories of his childhood that are triggered by the recent scene in the movie begin to break the dam of his subconscious, into his consciousness. The television plays in the background to his rushing thoughts. These aren't things that he enjoys remembering. His childhood, an era of hostility that he has withstood. Very few will ever know the depths of the affects these things have had on him to this very day. The unsettled, even shocked, state that these memories can place him in. A state of mind that's branded into his psyche to never leave.
His wife looks at him and she can instantly notice the difference of consciousness within him. She notices the way his face looks slightly gazed over while he blinks like he's trying to see.
"Hey hun, you okay?" She says as she nudges him with her elbow to his arm gently. Trying to get his attention but also not startle him.
Still blankly staring forward, he mumbles a light response "Yea…… I'm alright." He struggles to get the words out with his brain so hyper actively racing through flashes of moments in his childhood, with voices of these moments sounding off around him. He can feel the feeling of being thrown around in a tornado of thoughts and memories. The overwhelming sensory overload that comes with it crumbles him from the inside out as he internally screams but nothing comes out on the outside.
She can tell that something is vexing him. She's fully aware of his past and how it affects him; she is one of the few who do. She gives him some time to let it run its course, because she knows that it'll be over soon. This isn't her first time seeing him internally break down like this. He continues on consumed by his past memories flashing through in his head.
On the inside is the traumas blowing through his mind making him feel almost as if he's standing at the eye of a tornado of his memories. Flashing through like he's flipping channels in his psyche, as they cover the visuals of his surroundings. He can even hear the voices of people speaking.
"Listen! You need to obey the rules or we will send you back! Get to the chores or you won't get dinner until they are done! Understand?!" He hears the scream of one of his abusive foster moms and relives the moments of being smacked around or locked in the ‘bad boy closet’.
Another flash blows through as he visualises a time that he was hit to the ground by a foster father, for breaking a plate by accident. Another time, when his fingers were broken, because he stole some food from the store to eat. The flash-backs rush through him and emotions explode his anxiety. He then begins to take deep breaths in attempts to calm down. Beginning to hyperventilate gasping for air.
"Hey." His wife gently grabs his arm as soon as she witnesses the first deep breath. " are you sure you're okay? You know you can talk to me if you need. I know sometimes things can get to you. Is it the movie? You want me to change it? Maybe something a little more upbeat.". She tries to soothe him to a calmer state before it escalates any further into a full blown panic attack. But to no avail she really only went further into this state with a greater sensory overload.
She backs up and gives him so much space while changing the TV to a comedy and turning it down to a low volume.
“Just breathe deeply, I'm gonna grab your Hydroxazine and Xanax. Deep breathes love. Deep breaths.”
She runs to the kitchen straight to the cabinet they keep their meds and vitamins in. She grabs the orange bottles with the white caps each labeled with their prescriptions. She quickly grabs a glass of water sitting on the counter and rushes back to him sitting on the couch hyper ventilation with his head between his knees.
“Ahhhh….ehhhhhhhh………ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!” He tries to hold it back but hollers in his reliving of the horrors.
“Hey. Hey, hey shhhhhhhh, deep breathes baby. It's gonna be okay. I have your meds right here.” She speaks softly and slowly to him as she gets a pill out of each bottle. She gently helps him le back and runs his back as she places the pills im his hand and he takes them while hold his breathe. He then grabs the glass of water and swallows the pills with a gulp. Immediately he hands the glass back and goes back to his head on knees position.
“Shhhhhhhh………ahhhhhhhhhhh…….it's oookkksayyyy…. You're okaayyyy. You're safe. You're grown now. They can't hurt you anymore. Shhhhhhhh. I love you hun…. Try to relax with deep breathes.” She continues to rub his back while he takes deep breathes.
Over the next few minutes it gets easier and easier for him to breathe deep breathes. He slowly leans back and tilts his head towards her.
"You know, I'm really glad that I have you. You've pushed me. You are my strength. Behind every great man is a great woman.” He glances back at her with a passionate smile and grabs her hand and interlocks his fingers with hers. “I have a massive headache and feel exhausted. Every damn time
These episodes never get any easier.”
She smiles back with love burning in her heart as she looks at him in the eyes. Shes worried about him, but she is honored to be that woman for him. "Of course hun, I love you. And think about what the way you grew up has given you. I know it wasn't easy and it for sure could have been done better, raising you. I don't believe that you got nearly as much love as you deserved. No child deserves to go through what you went through. Do you want some ibuprofen to help with the headache?” She says continuing to speak softly while gently rubbing his arm closest to her.
"I love you too. I'll take you up on that offer. Thank you so much" he says back softly as he looks her in the eyes back, with gratitude in his heart. He is so grateful to have such a supportive wife. The feelings of this help to sooth him and bring him down from the chaos within his psyche and she can see it. He knows these will always come, but at least he has a best friend and partner to sit by him through it all.
© K. Snyder